Feeling alone
Waves of loneliness overcome me yet again. Why why why does this always happen to me? I’m not alone, I know that in my heart. Maybe not physically, but psychologically? Mentally? I know I haf frens, I even know I haf God wif me. Then why does this sickening feeling overcome me ever so frequently? Maybe it’s cos I simply cannot find someone who can understand me totally and accept me totally for who I am. Someone I’m totally comfortable with and know will be there for me anytime I need her or him.
Trying too hard to please ppl around me? Maybe. Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing. Of course I like to be nice. Sincerely, being nice to ppl does make me feel good as well. Maybe that’s just another way of calling me plain. But I wonder about the times I don’t feel like being the nice one. Who’s the one who’s gonna comfort me and be nice to me?
Used to think that this shouldn’t be a problem. Friends? I have lots! School, church, cca, u name it. The older I get, however, the more I realize, having friends is one thing, having someone who knows and understands you is another. Dun think I ever had a real best friend, cept maybe the ones we called in lower primary to be our best buddies ever. As we grow up, however, things change. People walk the journeys of their lives wif different paces. Some walk a little faster, some lagging behind. Who’s the one who’s willing to slow down his or her pace to walk wif me? Or who is willing to walk a little faster to catch up wif me? Sacrifices. Yes. But sometimes, it feels like I’m the one making sacrifices all the time.
I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s cos in all the situations I’m in, there’s usually a group of us who always sticks together. A clique u call it. Always more than two people. Perhaps as a result, the friendship among the clique is diluted? Yes, we go thru life together, but there is no one single person wif whom u can totally be urself with. Still trying too hard to be accepted, to please. Even sometimes, with people u’ve grown up wif since a young age, u start to realize u dun noe them too well after all. Everything’s becoming a blur.
Maybe it’s also cos as we reach this age, ppl get attached? I dunno, but it seems to me like I’m left alone because frens wif whom I used to be so close to are now attached. Moved on, they call it. Then how about the ppl u left behind? Ever wondered how it feels to be left behind? Guess not. Unfair isn’t it. It suddenly feels as tho u’re now second in place.
Either that, or frens with whom I love to be with are ever so distant. In other schools, classes, faculties perhaps, it’s difficult to know that person thoroughly. Maybe I’m afraid? Maybe I’m still afraid of rejection and loneliness.
Classmates. Yep, we spend happy times together. And sure, we go thru bad times together though sometimes it seems as tho there aren’t much of these very bad times we go thru together. But still, it’s difficult to find one single person I can totally be myself with.
Am I the only one with such anxieties? Fretting too much over nothing? Perhaps.
Being ms nice can also be tiring sometimes. Have u ever asked? Ever questioned if I was too tired? I certainly do not mean that I don like being the nice and accommodating one. Sometimes I actually prefer that mayb jus cos of my personality? Being accommodating and giving? I dunno. Ppl are nice to me too, of course. Maybe it’s jus me, but I still cant find the depth in their niceness. If that even makes sense.
I think no matter with whom, there will always be this wall between ppl, esp when one gets older. Its getting harder and harder to build real and lasting friendships. Am I putting too much into interpersonal relations? Maybe I value relationships too much. So much it hurts. Sometimes I feel as if I’m the one valuing each friendship I have, but I dun feel as much return from the other person. Oversensitive? Maybe.
Mentally I know God is always with me, but the idea, I haf to admit, is quite abstract and intangible. Still learning perhaps.
I do haf frens wif whom I can totally be myself. But then again, we’re probably so far apart what wif our different lifestyles and circle of friends. Friendships need communication and time to grow. We’re losing that. Fast.
Issit that difficult to find someone wif whom u can totally drop ALL pretense and be yourself? And someone who can be there almost ALL the time? I’m probably asking too much. Maybe only God himself can fit those tough conditions. Maybe I value all these just too much.
Hoping to find that one person soon.
Trying too hard to please ppl around me? Maybe. Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing. Of course I like to be nice. Sincerely, being nice to ppl does make me feel good as well. Maybe that’s just another way of calling me plain. But I wonder about the times I don’t feel like being the nice one. Who’s the one who’s gonna comfort me and be nice to me?
Used to think that this shouldn’t be a problem. Friends? I have lots! School, church, cca, u name it. The older I get, however, the more I realize, having friends is one thing, having someone who knows and understands you is another. Dun think I ever had a real best friend, cept maybe the ones we called in lower primary to be our best buddies ever. As we grow up, however, things change. People walk the journeys of their lives wif different paces. Some walk a little faster, some lagging behind. Who’s the one who’s willing to slow down his or her pace to walk wif me? Or who is willing to walk a little faster to catch up wif me? Sacrifices. Yes. But sometimes, it feels like I’m the one making sacrifices all the time.
I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s cos in all the situations I’m in, there’s usually a group of us who always sticks together. A clique u call it. Always more than two people. Perhaps as a result, the friendship among the clique is diluted? Yes, we go thru life together, but there is no one single person wif whom u can totally be urself with. Still trying too hard to be accepted, to please. Even sometimes, with people u’ve grown up wif since a young age, u start to realize u dun noe them too well after all. Everything’s becoming a blur.
Maybe it’s also cos as we reach this age, ppl get attached? I dunno, but it seems to me like I’m left alone because frens wif whom I used to be so close to are now attached. Moved on, they call it. Then how about the ppl u left behind? Ever wondered how it feels to be left behind? Guess not. Unfair isn’t it. It suddenly feels as tho u’re now second in place.
Either that, or frens with whom I love to be with are ever so distant. In other schools, classes, faculties perhaps, it’s difficult to know that person thoroughly. Maybe I’m afraid? Maybe I’m still afraid of rejection and loneliness.
Classmates. Yep, we spend happy times together. And sure, we go thru bad times together though sometimes it seems as tho there aren’t much of these very bad times we go thru together. But still, it’s difficult to find one single person I can totally be myself with.
Am I the only one with such anxieties? Fretting too much over nothing? Perhaps.
Being ms nice can also be tiring sometimes. Have u ever asked? Ever questioned if I was too tired? I certainly do not mean that I don like being the nice and accommodating one. Sometimes I actually prefer that mayb jus cos of my personality? Being accommodating and giving? I dunno. Ppl are nice to me too, of course. Maybe it’s jus me, but I still cant find the depth in their niceness. If that even makes sense.
I think no matter with whom, there will always be this wall between ppl, esp when one gets older. Its getting harder and harder to build real and lasting friendships. Am I putting too much into interpersonal relations? Maybe I value relationships too much. So much it hurts. Sometimes I feel as if I’m the one valuing each friendship I have, but I dun feel as much return from the other person. Oversensitive? Maybe.
Mentally I know God is always with me, but the idea, I haf to admit, is quite abstract and intangible. Still learning perhaps.
I do haf frens wif whom I can totally be myself. But then again, we’re probably so far apart what wif our different lifestyles and circle of friends. Friendships need communication and time to grow. We’re losing that. Fast.
Issit that difficult to find someone wif whom u can totally drop ALL pretense and be yourself? And someone who can be there almost ALL the time? I’m probably asking too much. Maybe only God himself can fit those tough conditions. Maybe I value all these just too much.
Hoping to find that one person soon.
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